Epiphany = Mirena

I wasn't sure if having a third child was something I wanted. If I were going to do it, it would have to be soon. I'm not in my twenties you know! I was thinking more of in the future- how a third child would make me happy- our family happy. I wasn't thinking of the past- of how difficult it was taking care of an infant. I just didn't want to look back when it was too late, wishing I had that third child. My feelings would change often. If I had a great, semi-easy day with the kids (because seriously, when is it really easy?) I would think how great adding another would be. When I had a horrible day, with 2 rotten kids and am looking at the wine bottle at 11am-I would think why the hell am I even contemplating this- maybe I am a glutton for punishment. Maybe I am crazy.

It wasn't until a conversation with my best friend Dawn the other day that I knew for sure- I'm done. Free at last! Well- not really- not for quite some time...but at that moment, knowing was liberating. Dawn was telling me about feeding the baby, mixing his cereal with fruit instead of vegetables when my thoughts drifted away (sorry Dawn!) to feeding Chloe when she first started eating. I loved making new purees for her and would excitedly airplane spoonfuls of my creations into her open mouth. I couldn't wait to see what she liked and just felt pure joy feeding my baby. I checked the clock frequently to see if it was time to feed her her meals. Although those are some of my fondest memories of raising Chloe and Max, I don't want to go back there. EVER.

I'm not sure what it was about that conversation-about feeding babies their first foods- but my mind catapulted into a whirlwind of reasons of why I don't want another baby- EVER! I do not want to wake up every 2 hours. It's actually every hour when you think of it because my kids took about 45 minutes to an hour to eat. I never want to be delusionally tired again in my life. I do not want to carry that damned infant carseat around EVER again. I'm almost done with diapers- to go back would be insane. And to potty train another- hell no. A potty trained toddler is harder than changing a diaper...I spent more time in the bathroom than our seats at the circus last week. Anyway, I just got this intense feeling that overcame me during that conversation that followed me throughout the day. A feeling I was happy to be carrying around with me- a feeling that overpowered the uncertain. It was empowering to have come to this resolution. It brought me a sense of calm.

Normal occurrences that day kept giving me more reasons why I am perfectly okay with my 2 kids and my 2 kids only. I went into a store with Max without the stroller. He said "want to walk, Mama". So I gave it a shot. He was great. He held my hand. He listened. It was great. I was proud of what a big boy he has become. I know I'm screwed now for letting him walk because I'll never get him in the stroller again...but- my thoughts went back to having another baby and how I am in such a good place right now where I am. My kids are little people and I'm loving it.

I no longer carry a diaper bag. Need I say more?

As dependant as my children are at 4 and 2, they are also so independent- and it's nice. I'm enjoying my independence (if we can call it that). I've recently cleared a bottom shelf on the fridge so Chloe can reach some of her stuff like yogurts and drinks. She dresses herself (with the clothes I lay out for her- otherwise she would go to school as Cinderella, Barbie or in her dance recital costume from last year). She brushes her teeth herself. She just knows so much and is so amazing. I am in awe of where she is today- of who she has become.

It is clear as day that I am complete. My heart is full of love for these two little fools. I love their giggles, I adore their hugs and kisses and their smiles can melt my heart with just one quick glimpse. I thought a third child would bring our family even more love- more happiness. What I figured out is that I have all the love in the world that I need.

I am a mother of two and I couldn't be happier. I am now taking extra precautions to make sure it stays that way!

 As fun as taking this picture was, it wasn't fun to clean off- 3 times a day!!