The missing pit

When I think of my grandmother, her tight hugs, her outrageous stories, her great cooking, I get a pit in my stomach. I call it "the missing pit". I would love some more time with her. To be able to see her with my children would make me the happiest person. I know she's watching from above and continuously guiding me with the wise words she left behind- but its not the same. I miss her terribly. She was my first best friend and the last person to break my heart.

I thought I would have this feeling being away without my family. I didn't get it! Am I horrible? In Puerto Rico, I woke up- on my own, for the first time in four and a half years. I went to the bathroom by myself. I showered alone. I ate uninterrupted. I lounged by the pool without being asked for something every 35 seconds. Sure I missed them. I thought about them throughout the day and night. I just didn't get the pit in my stomach! I guess it's because I knew I would see them again, and within a few short days, the chaos would return to my life.

I believe every mom should take a trip without their family. Even if only for a night or weekend. It recharged my soul. I was losing my mind before I left and felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel appreciated now that I'm home. They were lost without me, hubbie and all. Even the dog went crazy when I got home!

Unfortunately, I think that might be the end of trips that far and that long until the kids are bigger. Chloe called me every day so hysterical I could hardly make out what she was saying. The one thing I did hear was, I shouldn't have let you go mom! I didn't know she had a say and I guess neither did she...but it made me feel bad! I still didn't get the pit- but I did feel bad that I was the reason for her sadness. Max on the other hand, used the floor as his potty to show his anxiousness about Mama's absence.

It took about 5 days after I got home for my kids to realize I was coming back from the store. Every time I left, the cries and screams that came from my home were the saddest sounds I ever heard. I may have not gotten the pit in my stomach being away from my kids, but they sure did. As a mom, that's all I need to know that I can't leave them again. At least not for now- until they are a little older. Or until they drive me crazy again!

Pit or no pit, I know my grandmother is proud of my choice to go away. Although she can't tell me herself, I know. I wish we could sit and talk and laugh about the adventures of Puerto Rico...oh how she loved a good drinking story! For now, I'll miss her- and talk to her the way I do- and continue to miss her...pit in my stomach and all.